I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
