I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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