At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
