i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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