I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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