If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
