is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
