I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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