so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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