I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
