At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
