my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
