your parents love me but you hate me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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