Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
