what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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