wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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