The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
