I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
