I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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