He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
