k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We're too hungover to prance.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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