Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
