i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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