seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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