We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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