I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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