I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
