sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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