i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
