I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
