I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Can vaginas get frostbite?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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