that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
