I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
