Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
