my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
