census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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