my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I look better un-naked...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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