Your dad touched me again.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
