when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
