The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
