What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
