mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
