dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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