In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
