Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
