Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
