I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
