it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
