Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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