Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
